my worst enemy and the *real* start of 30 by 30

hello, my name is alison and i have next to no self-confidence.

there. i said it. i mean, it’s really no secret but i figured i would just get it out in the open from the get go.

point out a part of my body and i’ll tell you what is wrong with it. things could always be way worse, but there are very few things about me, physically, that i like. as a person, i’m pretty awesome. i’m great at giving advice after seeing a problem from all angles. i try very hard to put others before myself. if i say i’m going to be there, i will be there, even if i might get there a little late. i am legitimately up for anything. need a partner in crime? i’m your girl. if i wasn’t me, i’d be friends with me.

but if i could trade physical appearances with anyone in the world, i would trade physical appearances with (almost) anyone in the world.

how downright sad is that?!

when i was less than 10 years old, i was in a local majorette group and, to be honest, i place a lot of the blame on my horrible self-esteem on my instructor. she constantly cut us down, physically, psychologically… i vividly remember her pulling my entire group into a circle before a parade one fourth of july and telling us all we didn’t look good enough. the only person in the group that she praised was a chubby girl who had recently lost a few pounds. we weren’t even in junior high yet. she made it a point to tell me, in front of everyone, that my hair looked like i “rolled out of bed and didn’t bother to brush it”. i had worked especially hard on my hair that day, but i was 10. i didn’t know the first thing about curling irons and hairspray and makeup, things that she wanted us to use lots of. during practice before the parade that same day, i dropped a one-turn and she loudly exclaimed, “you suck, alison. you suck!” and i believed every word she said. i remember being disgusted at the fact that my thighs jiggled when i walked down the street in the little leotards we were required to wear. i was thankful when our uniforms included a little sarong-like skirt because it covered the jiggle. what 10-year-old worries about jiggling thighs?

but enough about 10-year-old alison. let’s focus on almost-30-year-old alison. the one that has gained [an undisclosed amount of] pounds since high school. the one that wore her swimsuit cover-up in the pool last saturday because she was afraid to be seen in her bikini. the one who apparently doesn’t know what the actual purpose of a swimsuit cover-up is (read: not for swimming). the one who will tell her friends to shut up and stop being so hard on themselves about their appearance, but who can’t do that for herself. i’m my own worst critic, and i realize that.

and that is stopping now.

it’s ridiculous that i let myself get to me so much. i’ve never really felt truly comfortable in my own skin and i want that to change.

i can’t remember if i’ve mentioned this before, but i’ve made it my personal goal to drop at least 30 pounds by my 30th birthday. 30 by 30! totally doable! how am i going to get there?

1) lindsey says i need to blog more. i say i need something to write about. therefore, i will use this blog to hold myself accountable. i will document the ups and downs. hopefully there are a lot more downs (on the scale) than ups. feel free to offer words of encouragement, advice, etc.
2) i’ve been doing things here and there to get myself there for a while. i’ve been more conscious of what i’m eating and how much i’m exercising weekly. i’ve been playing a lot of softball this summer and that has helped with my overall fitness to an extent, but it’s time to kick it up a notch.
3) i’m going to cut back on the drinking. in the grand scheme of things, i don’t drink a lot but i drink more than i should. hellooooo empty calories!
4) i’m going to try the magic underwear trick. TMI?
5) i’m going to stop. being. so. fucking. negative. this isn’t going to happen overnight and i realize that and i need to understand that and not be so hard on myself when things aren’t going the way i want them to.

like nicole says, “Happiness is a choice. Confidence is a choice.”

i’m making that choice. starting today.